Sarah's Story - Episode Transcript

Helen

Hi, I'm Helen, and this is Why Mums Don't Jump - busting taboos about leaks and lumps after childbirth. All the stuff that happens to your pelvic floor that no one ever talks about. Incontinence, prolapse, pelvic pain - problems that affect millions of women, one in three. I'm one of them. I have a prolapse. My pelvic organs fell out of place after the birth of my second child five years ago. And if you'd told me then I'd be speaking about this stuff out loud, I would have told you to give your head a wobble.

Hi. Can you believe this is episode seven? I've had quite a lot of new followers on Instagram this week, so if you're one of them, or if you're new to this podcast, then welcome.

What can I tell you about this series? Well, it's me talking to some fantastic professionals who live and breathe pelvic floors and to other women who are dealing with pelvic floor dysfunction. We have a laugh. There are some tears along the way, but I'm hoping that together we can start to end the stigma around incontinence, prolapse, pelvic pain and just start to help each other to find recovery or some sort of acceptance.

If you've been around for a while, then you might remember back in episode 2, Katie, who's my physio, talked a bit about what it means to have an overly tight pelvic floor. And to be honest, the whole idea was a bit of a surprise to me at first because we're forever being told 'Do your pelvic floor exercises. Strengthen the muscles'. But for some women, a tight pelvic floor can be really problematic. And I really wanted for us to hear from someone with first hand experience of that. So, this episode - Sarah Haselwood is a mum of two and a freelance writer. I haven't been able to meet up with her in person, with Covid and everything. So we've done the video call thing, which I think we made work pretty well. There's a lot to her story. She's had a rough time, she's been through it. She can laugh about it now, but I just think she's brilliant for speaking about it so bravely.

Before we started, I did just want to give a little warning that we do jump in right from the start with some pretty graphic detail.

Sarah

Throughout pregnancy and before that, everybody says to you, do your pelvic floor exercises, so it's kind of drummed into you to keep doing them, which I wasn't great at. But I did have a pretty shocking birth. So that was back in 2013. It was my first child and it was forceps with a third degree tear. So not great. But it was something I could kind of get over. But it wasn't until a couple of weeks post birth that I started having a lot of problems. I literally couldn't go to the toilet without bleeding. So I had anal fissures, which are just horrendous so it basically cracks in your anus, for people that don't know, and obviously it's impossible for them to heal because it's something you have to do.

So I didn't really know what that meant, so I kept seeing GPs and I remember having my six week check up, but the GP didn't really quite know what to do for me. And then, I think you have a new baby and you're tired and it's hard, isn't it? So I put up with it for some time and it was probably about two years worth of GP visits and different creams to try and get this sorted out. But nobody until that point had ever mentioned pelvic floor, which it turns out was the problem, that my pelvic floor was too tight. So everything was becoming spasm, in spasm.

Helen

I was trying to work that out earlier as well. So the link is the tight pelvic floor means you can't relax to go for a poo and then you end up with the cracks and the fissures?

Sarah

As far as I know, it was that and initially it was so tight that I couldn't go for a poo. So then I was on loads and loads and loads of laxatives because everything was cracking. So then the idea is that you take so many laxatives that everything is easy to pass. But of course, there comes a point where you can't keep taking laxatives to that extent, and especially with a newborn baby, and you're trying to go out and about, and it's this fear all the time. And it caused a lot of anxiety because I just kept thinking, well, what if the laxatives are too much? What if I have problems the other way? And just the sheer pain. Every time I knew I had to go to the toilet, I would almost be in tears before I got there because I knew what was to come and it was pretty horrendous. So, yeah, it was that tightening and the spasm in that the anus couldn't really open properly.

Helen

And just talk to me a little bit about that pain because I feel like with my prolapse, I mean, I've said it before, I'm really not in the same boat as a lot of people in that I haven't really experienced pain. Occasionally I get a bit of discomfort, but it's not like that. What's it like and how has it affected things?

Sarah

It's kind of razor blade, I guess there was the two parts of it. There was the initial phase where I had the fissures, which were just excruciating, because every time I was going to the toilet, they were cracking open and just excruciating, like trying to pass razor blades. And then later on down the line, when the fissures actually healed, it still became a spasm. So everything in my bottom felt like a spasm and it would just be so painful. And I'd try and go back and do a run or do something normal, but it would always be there. And once I'd kind of gone to the toilet and gone through all that pain, there'd be pain afterwards, and then throughout the day it would ease up again. But of course, then the next time you had to go to the toilet, it all comes back again.

So I think there was always that slight link, mental link, as well in the end, because I was dreading it so much. And when I finally did see a consultant - I mean I saw so many consultants - and when I did finally see the last one...so where are we now? End of 2018, he had said to me, yes, it's the pelvic floor, it's too tight. And he actually said, I think you need to go on to antidepressants as well, because I think you're so worried about it that at least then it would calm you down a bit, because the anxiety isn't helping the pain. So it was kind of that. What do you do to get through it?

Helen

Who did you talk to about it around that time? Did you have anyone who could relate in any way, or have any level of understanding?

Sarah

No, not at all. It was quite lonely. I think it was quite hard for my husband, because he was trying to fix it, but of course he couldn't fix it, and he was understanding, but there was not a great deal he could do. But I didn't really talk about it. And I think when you're not in chronic pain like that, you don't really...people would sort of sympathise if I said to a close friend, this is horrendous, but until you've gone through it, it's hard to explain. So, no, I didn't really talk about it. I think it went on for so long, I mean, it went on for years, that you just kind of deal with it. And even now I'm so much better. I had a relapse, not a bad one, but probably a few months ago, and it was that dread again, but then it passed and I kind of know how to handle it now. You almost become used to thinking, right, what's my way of dealing with this if it flares up?

Helen

So you talked about being in and out of GPs, and I know you found it hard to understand what was going on, really, and find an answer, but eventually you ended up seeing a physiotherapist and that changed things for you?

Sarah

Yeah, I did, a lot. So I was lucky that I could go on some sort of private healthcare in the end. So I went to the GP and they just didn't really know what it was. So I went privately and saw a consultant that sort of specialised, and so I had a few cameras up my bottom on a couple of occasions to have a look around, have a look and see if there was anything more sinister. And it's not that I wanted them to say there was, but in a way, I wanted some kind of: this is what it is, this is how we solve it. And those procedures are quite uncomfortable. And again, I would get myself in a bit of state thinking, 'Oh, God, I've got to have something on my bottom', which wasn't pleasant, but nothing came back, everything was fine. And then I had some Botox in my bottom, which I can laugh about now. Bonkers.

Helen

Oh Sarah!

Sarah

And the plan was that that would kind of relax me internally and be able to help everything move a bit better. But it didn't really work. So I guess at least I've come out being able to say I've had Botox in a strange place.

Helen

It's good dinner party, conversation...maybe after some wine!

Sarah

Haha I should have had some in my face! And then, actually, a friend of mine said to me, I know this lady, she's a women's health physio, which I didn't really know anything about. Which, again, is crazy that I'd seen so many consultants and she was amazing and lots of sort of physical examinations, and that's when she said to me, this is what it is. It's your pelvic floor, it's way too tight. Don't be doing any exercises, don't be trying to tighten it. You need to go and see a specialist. And she told me who to see. And that was the guy I saw in London that was like, 'Right, we can fix that'. And just finally having somebody that said, this is what it is, I think we can sort it was...not half the battle...but a massive relief. It gave me a bit of hope that something could happen to take the pain away.

Helen

I bet that was a big day for you.

Sarah

Yeah

Helen

I can imagine. What was it like being in that consultation room?

Sarah

Just full of hope I think. I mean I'm a pretty optimistic person, generally, but I guess it wore me down and I don't think you know it at the time when you're in it. But looking back, I was in constant anxiety and fear and just fed up. And so having that thinking, there is something here I can do, I'll do anything. Anything they tell me, I'll do it. I'll do all my exercises. I'll be a real swot about this. Just fix it. And, touch wood, that has worked. And now I know my diet. I know that I have to really still be careful on the fibre front. I'm still really good at that. And I'm still on the laxatives, unfortunately, but I've halved them since I saw that consultant, so better than where I was.

Helen

Sarah, I don't know what to what degree you feel comfortable talking about this, but I know that it was quite an unusual treatment that was recommended in the end. We don't have to go there if you don't want to.

Sarah

No that's fine. Literally, I think after childbirth and this kind of stuff, dignity is gone. Yeah. When I saw my final consultant and he just kind of joked about the whole thing, which actually sort of made it better and lighter. He said to me, what you do need to do is you need to stretch your pelvic floor. And the best way to do that is to get some metal rods. So then we're straight onto Amazon. He's showing them me and they're essentially I think they're medical tools, but they're also I think they're sex toys as well, which is brilliant. And so he said, this is what you need to do. They go up in size. You need to put these up your bottom every day for three months. And when he showed me what they were like, I was just like, 'Oh my God, this is what my life has come to.' But that's what I had to do. So it was a stretching to just take away that spasm and it worked, believe it or not.

Helen

Was that the sort of main treatment? I mean, it sounds crazily simple after all those years. I mean, also awful, but kind of simple.

Sarah

Yeah. So every day for three months, working them up so they were bigger sizes and yeah, it worked. And he always said to me, if you ever feel like you're getting a flare up, just go and grab one of those again. Which thankfully I haven't had to do. But yeah, if somebody had told me seven years ago, 'When you have a child, you'll get botox in your bottom and then metal rods'. Who'd have believed it?

Helen

Oh, you just couldn't make it up, could you?

Sarah

You really couldn't. And again, I would have been quite shy about speaking about this, but now I just think, well, there is some comedy to it and I've come out the other side and if it sounds to anybody else that that might be what they're going through, at least they know maybe that it's that tight pelvic floor. I'm not an expert, I can only say kind of my experience.

Helen

And you touched on it before, but how are you now?

Sarah

Good, thank you. As I say, I'm good with my diet just because I still think that makes a difference. I still take a laxative every day, which I would like to wean off, but I don't think they're doing any harm. It's just again, that's kind of a mental thing to get past. But I'm good. Since the metal rods, I have to say I've had probably two flare ups in about a year and a half. But not crippling, not terrible, something just a bit of pain and then it's been okay.

Helen

Where are your thoughts at with it all? Pelvic floor problems and the problems you had getting it diagnosed in the first place and just society's attitude to things like incontinence prolapse and the overly tight pelvic floors and pelvic pain?

Sarah

I still think there needs to be so much more discussion about it. And I think this is why this is a brilliant podcast. Anything we can do to educate people, because I suppose that there's different groups of people. There's the people that will never go through childbirth, that never know quite some of the things that come out of it. And then there's those people that are going through it and are sort of sitting there alone, like I did, thinking, well, is this it for the rest of my life? Is this normal? Especially in the beginning when you probably are quite tired and feeling a bit run down with everything, you almost believe...you know I believed the doctors when they said it'll be fine, and I'm not blaming the doctors, I don't think they had the expertise, but I kind of just took that as a, OK, that's fine. But I think there's so much that at the moment is being talked about with the maternal mental health. There's all these different things. They've just had the week that's been dedicated to that, which is brilliant to talk about it, but I still don't see a lot being discussed in this area in terms of the actual physical issues that come out of childbirth. And sadly, speaking to friends, I know a lot of people that have had pretty bad times as well in different ways, and they were probably not going on so long, but there's a lot of people that seem to suffer and then don't have anyone to talk to.

Helen

And I think, based on a lot of the messages that I've been getting since I put the podcast out, I think there will be so many people who will be listening to this now and going, thank goodness it's not just me, and sort of taking some hope from your story - what would you say to them?

Sarah

Speak to as many people as you can and listen to as many podcasts and follow as many people you can on Instagram, whatever, whoever you can that you relate to and you sort of think that that's where you could get some help. I'd just push for it, because I was probably too nice about it in the early days and sort of took too much of that's fine, but it's not fine to be in that much pain for that many years, at all. It's not fine. And looking back when I got pregnant the second time, I was dreading it. I was absolutely dreading it. And that whole pregnancy was awful because I just thought, this is all this is all going to get worse. And, yeah, that's not a nice place to be. And so I think it really is about reaching out to people.

Helen

Sarah, thank you.

Sarah

No worries.

Helen

Honestly, I jut think, I know it is because of the messages that I've been getting. So, yeah, I really appreciate you sharing that with us. Thank you. Also, hopefully it's recorded.

Sarah

We're still going here.

Helen

We're all learning, aren't we? I told you Sarah was a brave one. And I know that many of you will relate to what she's been through. As ever, please don't take anything you hear in the podcast as medical advice. I am not a medical professional, but please do find some professional help.

In the next episode, oh, it's going to be the last in the series, but it's a special one for me because I finally convinced the amazing women of what we call our Pop Club to be on the podcast. We became friends because we've all got prolapse, and being able to share and definitely overshare, has made a huge difference to me. So I can't wait for you to meet them next week.

You've been listening to Why Mums Don't Jump with me, Helen Ledwick. Get involved. Please subscribe, tell me what you think, leave a review, spread the word. Let's end the stigma. You can find me on Instagram @whymumsdontjump or online at whymumsdontjump.com. Bye for now.