Ainsley's Story - Episode Transcript

Helen

Hi, I'm Helen, and this is Why Mums Don't Jump, busting taboos about leaks and lumps after childbirth. All the stuff that happens to your pelvic floor that no one ever talks about - incontinence, prolapse, pelvic pain. Problems that affect millions of women; one-in-three! I'm one of them.

I have a prolapse. My pelvic organs fell out of place after the birth of my second child five years ago. And if you told me then I'd be speaking about this stuff out loud, I would have told you to give your head a wobble.

Helen

Welcome to episode three. How are your bits? How's lockdown life been treating you? Thank you for coming back and, again, thank you for all the feedback. It's brilliant to have, because I'm just sort of putting this stuff out there and hoping it's getting to the right people. So, to hear that it is making a difference is everything. For anyone who's new to this podcast, it's about trying to end the stigma around pelvic floor problems; things that affect so many of us to so many different levels, but no one ever talks about it. And hopefully it's about helping us feel a bit less alone with it all, because we're really not. We know that now.

One of the things that's helped me feel a lot better is meeting other women who are dealing with this stuff and just talking about it. I now know more than ever that stories are a really powerful thing to share, which brings me to this episode. Ainsley Howard is an actress from Manchester, and if you have young children, you might know her as the voice of Fizzy Izzy in the kids TV programme Digby Dragon. Well, I popped over for a brew, obviously before lockdown, when she was very heavily pregnant with baby number two.

Helen

I get really emotional talking about this stuff, I do.

Ainsley

Oh that’s fine! No, yeah. I think it can be emotional because I think it's still new, yeah. And it's your body and it's massive.

Helen

Yeah, it's massive. We spoke about a year ago, didn't we, on the phone? And I was trying to remember some of the things you told me, and I don't remember the point at which you realised that it had happened - that you had prolapse or had pelvic floor problems. When did you realise?

Ainsley

I was having like, a bit of a drag sensation, I think they say, like when I was walking around, but just thought that was totally normal. Like something was heavy, dragging down, down there.

Helen

Yeah, I recognise that. And how long after Caleb was born?

Ainsley

I think that was kind of pretty much straight away that I noticed it, but because I felt like a really old lady anyway, all these aches and pains, all these new aches and pains, I kind of just got on with it. And then I had really bad sciatica, so it was one thing after another, so I kind of didn't really think about it too much. Because you're so exhausted, and you're feeding through the night and there's so much going on. But then I'd say about six weeks down the line, when I kind of thought, right, I'll be brave and have a look down there. Because you kind of want to, don't you, in a way?

Helen

I know.

Ainsley

But, I mean, I did put it off for six weeks. Anyway, so I had a look and I was like, oh, sure, that wasn't there before.

Helen

See, you're doing better than me, because I didn't even know what it was supposed to look like, I'll be honest.

Ainsley

Right, well it definitely looked different. Something was different.

Helen

Something's not right.

Ainsley

Yeah, it was, well, I don't know, I could see something, basically, and then I thought, right, okay, I'm having this draggy sensation - I'm calling it a draggy sensation, is that… Do you know what I mean?

Helen

Yeah, I've heard it said - I’ve said it's like you're losing a tampon or something. It's just falling out and it's like a lump or something. You just feel like there's something there - well, I suppose there is.

Ainsley

That’s quite a good description, actually. So I decided to go to the doctors, but obviously it was still quite early days. Like I said, it was like six weeks when I had a look down there and she said, you know, it's quite normal and maybe it will kind of - it was like a bulge - and maybe it'll just kind of go back up because it's only been six weeks and so come back, maybe, I think she said about three months down the line. So you just kind of get on with it and forget about it and kind of accept that it's supposed to be there and it's normal.

Helen

Because everything feels different after you've had a baby anyway, doesn't it? So how are you supposed to know what's normal? You know, your boobs are massive, you’re sore, you've had a baby, you've delivered a baby, so your vagina is not in a good place anyway.

Ainsley

And I think that’s a massive thing, you don't realise. You just think, oh, yeah, I'm having a baby, and oh, yeah, I get up in the night and feed my baby. But all these things are huge. And I think your mental health sometimes can deteriorate because you're dealing with so much and you're a new mummy and you want to do the best for your baby and everyone's giving you a different opinion about something.

So, yeah, I think I just kind of forgot about it just because it was the easiest thing to do at the time, and then three months later went back, it still looked the same down there, and I still felt… The, like, the drag sensation wasn't as bad, but they kind of just said, well, that's kind of it. You've got a prolapse. Although it wasn't bad, I think they said they’d seen worse, and kind of just sent me on my way, really? So, I mean what do you do with that information?

Helen

Doctor Google!

Ainsley

Yeah! Yeah, I mean, it's like, oh prolapse? What's a prolapse?

Helen

I had never heard of it.

Ainsley

No?

Helen

How are we having babies and never heard of it? I was on my second baby and I'd never heard of it!

Ainsley

Right, okay.

Helen

So when I looked in the mirror to see what… so, I didn't even have the language to look for it.

Ainsley

Yeah.

Helen

I finally came across the word prolapse and I was like, yeah, that - that’s what that is.

Ainsley

That's what that is, yeah. I think there's certain degrees of prolapse and I think it affects women differently. Like, mine, I was always one of these people anyway, who's like, if I was, you know, if I had a full bladder and I was laughing, I had to go to the loo. So I was, you know, I had to always kind of empty my bladder when I could. But, like, things just got so much worse. So then you end up putting a pad on and then thinking that's normal. But then I’m thinking, you know I'm 36, I don't want to wear a pad in case I sneeze or cough. I don't feel ready for that yet. That's supposed to happen, like, way down the line. And then you see these adverts on telly and they are. And you’re thinking, oh right, oh you're supposed to just get on with it, then?

I'll admit I didn't do much pelvic floor exercise when I was pregnant the first time around. And then I was like, oh, I should have done more. And then I started to beat myself up about that because then I thought it was all my fault.

Helen

Oh, you blame yourself, so much. What if I hadn't done this? What if I'd done more pelvic floor exercises? What if I hadn't lifted my toddler? What if I hadn't strained on the loo? What if I had just rested more, or just, something?

Ainsley

Something, yeah. It is really, really tough. And I think sometimes, when I'm out, if I'm out with friends and I start laughing and then I wet myself, for those, like, split couple of seconds… First time, I’m relieved. I’m like, thank God, I put a pad on. And then after that, I'm just like, oh, I really don't want to. And then if you forget to put a pad on and I've got wet knickers and I’ve not got anywhere to go. And then, you know, I'm in the middle of town or at a meeting or something, you just feel like… I don't know… sometimes, not ashamed, but just… I don't know what the word is. Maybe it's just down? Just fed up. A bit miserable about it.

But then for me, it's like there's never any - enough - time to really dwell on it. Because, that's it,  you're a mum now. And someone else is first and foremost, so it's like you’ve just got to get on. And I think sometimes that's why you forget to do your pelvic floor. Because you get to the end of the day, you know, you’ve put your kids in bed and it's just like, you want to put your feet up. Or what? You don't want to then start doing pelvic floor exercises, do you?

Helen

No. I know.

Ainsley

And I've talked to quite a number of women and it's just like ‘oh my pelvic floor, it's the last thing on your list’. However, saying that, I think a year after I had Caleb, I went to see the doctor again about it and then he did refer me to the hospital to get some physio, which I'm kind of still in the middle of. And it has helped, because at first I thought, well, I know how to do a pelvic floor exercise, but they give you an actual programme where there's so much to do in the day and then you can get the app.

And then even just mental things, like, I'd get to the top of my stairs, and because my bathroom is at the top of the stairs and I see the toilet, it makes me want to go for a wee. So it's like, changing your mindset, saying, telling yourself that you don't need to go just yet and that you can hold it and you're not going to wet yourself and that you'll be all right and you've got to hang on for five minutes and then you can go to the toilet. So all those tips and strategies that you can put into place have definitely helped. But, yeah, it's always ongoing, isn't it?

Helen

See, for some reason, thankfully, I don't have that kind of level of incontinence. I do have that sometimes, like, key in the lock thing.

Ainsley

Oh, yeah. That’s the one she said, yeah.

Helen

Yeah, you need to go. Literally, the keys, or I’m just through the door and just don't quite make it. But it's not, it's not like loads…

Ainsley

And you’re just shouting at your toddler like ‘get in the house!’ because I’m gonna wet myself.

Helen

Mummy needs a wee! Mummy needs a wee! Mummy needs a wee! So I have it a tiny bit, but not like that. So, yeah, I just think that must be just really hard.

Ainsley

It is hard, especially, like you said, like you're laughing and a bit comes out, or you're sneezing. And so if I don't empty my bladder, I could be caught out and that's why I've had to kind of put a pad on. But my goal is not to have to put a pad on. I don't want to do that. So I'm thinking, can I do my pelvic floors so much and get them really strengthened, so that I will be in that position? But, I mean, I don't know yet. Not there yet.

Helen

But also, when you're pregnant as well, you're carrying all that weight, that’s putting all that pressure on your pelvic floor.

Ainsley

Oh, yeah. I mean, it's a bit out the window at the moment. Especially in the night, when I’m like I need a wee.

Helen

At the best of times, in any sort of pregnancy, it's an issue, isn't it?

Ainsley

Yeah.

Helen

How come you want to talk about it, when so many people don't want to talk about it? They find it so embarrassing, and yet here you are with a microphone.

Ainsley

Well, I'm just not embarrassed about it. Because, all right, I'm talking about my vagina, but flipping heck, you know? It’s just like… I'm not saying, oh, just get over it, it's still a private part of your body. But, I think there's so many women going through this, that, all right - if they don't want to talk about it, they can at least listen to someone they don't know talking about it, who doesn't mind talking about it. And I really don't, because I think there's great comfort to be found in that.

Helen

I love that.

Ainsley

You’ve made me cry now!

Helen

Oh dear!

Ainsley

I’m alright [laughs].

Helen

It is an emotional thing, as is having babies. And Ainsley delivered her second little boy, Jonah, just a few days after we recorded that. It sounds like it all happened very quickly, but she says hypnobirthing really helped and her prolapse seems about the same. I know having another baby when you have pelvic floor problems can be really scary, so hopefully that's good to hear.

Next episode: the mental load. It's a massive head game, isn't it? Not just a broken body, but losing your whole sense of self. It's a lot to deal with. I'll be talking to Dr. Rebecca Moore, a perinatal psychiatrist and co-founder of the campaign Make Birth Better. She's trying to do exactly that. She's very wise, and you will all wish you had her on speed dial. Check her out on Instagram at Dr. Rebecca Moore.

I'm not a medical professional, so please don't take anything you hear as medical advice, but please do get involved. Subscribe, tell me what you think, and spread the word. Tell a friend, spam a WhatsApp group, or post a link on an online forum. Let's end the stigma.
You've been listening to Why Mums Don't Jump with me, Helen Ledwick. You can find me on Instagram at Why Mums Don't Jump or online at whymumsdontjump.com